Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

There are advantages and disadvantages of having friends like Theuri, Akuku and one, Professor. But disadvantages outweighs all the time, like it can be attested by an incident that happened a few weeks ago. We were at a place called Twisters, in Saika estate after Kayole, Eastern province. As we were drinking, I told them that I had one person I wanted to climb, but she looks elusive because she told me she does not drink beer. As you all know, it is almost impossible to convince a person to remove thuruari when you are drunk and she is sober, and you are Wanjohi. Get the drift?. Theuri, as usual told me that that is nothing to him. He told me that he will make the person drink and removes. When the person came, no one could believe. She looked like two suns in one, and had make ups of models, and mouth was small, indicating she had small tiita. When she sat down, even before ordering for a soda or juice, Theuri started, as if it was a continuation of a story "Rekei ndimuire, kairetu kau gokaga, gakanyua o soda, na tumai. Twakera kanyue njohi gakarega. Baadae tukimenya ati ni ma ARFs kanyuaga. Hindio karundite arume kuruda. Twamakire atia, kau ona ndunguaugire ni karuaru. Kuma hindi iyo, ungikaigua muhiki, kana mundu atanyuaga njohi, ukehuga muno. Muno muno mundu ucio akoragwo akinyua ma ARF. Na niui matinyuanagirio na njohi" (Let me tell you, if you see a person used to come, order for soda or water only. If we tell her to drink beer, she says no. Later, we came to know she was taking ARVs, after falling few men. We makad yani, you could not tell. From that day, if i get a person drinking soda, i wary. And you know they dont mix with beer.) As Theuri was narating his giants, I saw the person look at Theuri with vagina of her eyes and refused to know how God could have created such a person like Theuri. In ear, I told her that Theuri was a mental case, she should never worry how he talks. I called waiter and asked the waiter to sell her what she was talking. In loud voice, so that Theuri could hear, she said 'Black ice, moja warm, moja baridi". In heart, i lifted hands and said "Long live Theuri, long live Theuri!!" When I was entering Twisters, I had 2k with me. Beer and devil had already swallowed over 800 bob by the time she came. But i had forgotten that I didn't have enough money with because the person was not in the mathematics of beer. I gave out a K and said as we were. The waiter first refused to leave because the K was not enough for the round. He only went after Akuku shouted at him to go bring and ask for balance later. There there, I started experiencing headache. I refused to know what to do. But I knew, Professor had 80k cash in his pocket after he had brokered something and we all knew that. I called him outside and told him "Riu niwona maraya yakwa ni yoka, na nie ndiri mbia. Ngombera kanyamu tuarie rucio wiraine" (You have seen my trapper has come, and i dont have money. Lend me something, we talk kesho at job) He asked how much i wanted. I did quick mathematics... beer with person, 3k. Room, 1k. To give person in the morning. 1k. Misc. 1k. Quickly, i said "reheeee mitiiiii.. itandatu! Itandatu ni miega" (Bring 6k. 6k is ok). He did not even return. He said it was ok. Instead of giving me the cash there there outside, he held my hand and led me inside again. He went and sat on his seat as i went back to mine. Then, infront of my person, and everyone else, he removed big bundle of notes and counted 6k and gave me. I wanted to shout in despair but said bad is bad, and after all, I had the money i wanted. Though the person did not know if I had been rented the money or it was a debt being paid, she started to look at professor more keenly. Anyway, that is very normal when persons sees money. Again, every time, professor was saying 'ngari yakwa rucio ngamihee ngiri 50. shoko njeru, mbuci, etc" (My car, tomorow, i give it everyting new. Bush, shock new, etc). Small time, Akuku suggested we go near Nairobi. Akuku suggested, 'Ndirenda tuthie Bee centre, tuiretu tuu tuhinguraha pool tungenagia muno. Reke thie ngaturie na maitho" (Lets go to Bee centre, those persons that open pool look like sun and they make me happy). Akuku wanted to eat persons that are written there to open pool, with eyes. Akuku had said that he eats his pm with vigor when he put images of those persons, especially the new ones just written, ripe from the village, not spoilt as yet. When we reached Bee centre, Professor was the first to shout at me to buy beer, but I did myself like i did not hear. From the look of things, he wanted me to finish all the money he had given me so that i eat home. When he saw me not bulging, he said in loud voice "Wee wanjohi gura njohi meni, na indiagukobera miti itandatu o riu. Kai ithirire nguongerere" (Wanjohi, buy beer. I have just rented you 6k. Or is it finished, I add more? I called waiter and said one beer each, let problem live. This time, my person changed from Black Ice to Tusker. She said black ice was making her too drunk. When I was playing pool, I saw the Prof. engrossed on my person too much. With vagina of my eye, I saw him remove a note of a k and handed it to her. Then, I inserted ear more and heard him say "Niui mutongoria thiku ici atigaga ahiki kirafu ario. wiigire kau ga taxi angigutiga" (You know leader leaves persons in clubs these days when he gets drunk. Keep that k, just incase) I wanted to say mbu for having my friend destroy my name, but said , God is watching him. All this time, Theuri and Akuku were watching him. They told me in ear "mundu waku erirwo arenge ihindi arie nyama, arengete kurenga. No to wi murata witu ri, reke akengete, mundu niwe ukuria' (Your person was told to cut bone to eat meat. She has cut bone yani. But, since you are our friend, let prof. crow, you will eat person). But I refused to know how prof. had opened so much that he was the only one now buying. To avert from the imminent threat, I told my person we go to Visa place for Mugithi. Prof. said he will follow us too. At visa, Prof and my person said they were going to the dance floor as i remained playing pool. One hour later, I saw her emerge from out with Prof in tow. I asked her where she was and said she had gone to breath fresh air, because dance floor was too filthy. I chose to believe her, but still refuse to know. Small time, she said she wanted to sleep. I went to Visa Guest house and asked how much. I was told they charge 1500. Like a bargainer I am, i told them that I will pay a K because it was almost morning. Finally, we settled for 1200 + 100 for makobosto that normally goes for 20 bob under normal circumstances. As we were entering room, all my mind was which stylo I was going to climb the person. I looked at her and said she will not escape kwa nyeni if tiita has no sand paper. After she removed clothes, I felt some small smell of muclimbano. I refuse to know. She then rushed fast to the bathroom and showered. When she came from the bathroom, I looked a her tiita. Clean shaven and looked so small, as if there was no hole at all. In my head, I said with such a small hole, kwa nyeni had zero option. To fast forward, I did not lick, only stimulated tiita small with fingers. When I heard wet wet, I inserted makobosto and pointed my josto on her hole. I inserted slowly slowly until it was all in. But it was not like it was in or out. It was like it was in some cold water bottle from fridge. To be fair to the person, the tiita had walls and was tight small, but she tasted like she had been injected with cold blood. I really struggled to pour and wished that time to reach faster than ever. After I poured, I looked for a million and one excuses to leave and left. Tomorrow of that day, my phone could not stop ringing. Akuku and Theuri were all over me. When we met, they first laughed at me because, they told me that my person was climbed twice by the Prof. First time, at Bee centre parking and second, Visa place parking lot as I was playing pool. They told me that they are the ones who assisted at Bee C. Prof. said that if they subaithias me small, and he manages to go climb my person, all beer will be on him, today, tomorrow and Sunday. Akuku or Theuri is next. Next time they come with persons, they will be done kihibirania by one of us, who will be willing to buy beer until morning. From that day, the person never called me until the other day. She asked me why I have losted her like that. I told her that I will call her kesho. If you want to eat my person at Parking kesho, just be where I will be. All you will need to do is flash several thousands notes in open and lend me 6k and most importantly, make sure the persons knows. I remain, Wanjohi wa Kigogoine Mwalimu of Muclimbano

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine